The American ideal of success and prosperity is junk. Crap. Dookie. Whatever you want to call it in a negative worthless fashion, it’s that. Success is having 3 cars, a big house, money, and fame. Prosperity is having even more of all of that. I would say most people in the US have a lot of those things but would not define themselves as “prosperous” or “successful”. It is a standard that is longed for and sought after but it can’t be reached. What do people with money and power want? That’s right, more money and power. Warren Buffet, the 6th richest man in world, as rated by Forbes, just had a record profit in one of his investment companies. The dude made something like $6bn and was already looking forward to next one. Mind blowing.
Success and prosperity can only be enjoyed or savored if they are salted, heavily, with contentment. That is the missing link in many lives, including my own, and it is what enables to have joy and happiness right where we are. I have always struggled with “being” right where I am. Blooming where I’m planted, if you will…or even if you won’t. I’m pro at looking to the next thing and preparing for it. I research, do all my homework, and get excited for it. But what happens when I get there? By the time I get there I’m usually ready to do the next thing because it’s now static and I’m no longer enamored by the idea of doing just that thing. I apparently love the prep more than the thing I’ve been preparing for and I find much of that comes out of a lack of contentment. I always want more. More this, more that. And I find it takes less work to enjoy the idea of something that’s coming than it does to actually put the work, and my heart, into right where I am. So where does it stop? Well, it doesn’t. Nothing will stop you until you do. Even if you are forced to be right where you are it doesn’t mean your heart will be in it. That’s what I am coming to see.
What needs to change then is our/my mindset. If we are focused on the next thing I believe it’s because we are more comfortable with “doing” there than we are with “being” there. We are obsessed with accomplishments, achievements, and goals being reached. But what if God never intended that in the way we think he did? I’m not saying having goals and striving to attain them is bad, they’re usually very good, but at what point did/does the goal become more important than who we were, or were becoming, on the way to get there? If we are striving to become better men and women then old things must be left behind. New things must be looked to and sought after. But the idea of “I have arrived” should never enter our minds because, really, who ever has? If the people we model our lives after and think have “arrived” are also always looking to the next thing, to have more of what they already have, and to be better men and women than who they currently are, where does that leave us? I’ll tell you; it leaves you right where you are. You can’t be anywhere in else that moment than where you are. It’s not possible to be in two different places at once, or to be two different people at once. You have to work with what you have and be right where you are because it’s the only place and person you can be at that moment. Can you change it for the future? Yes. Can you be somewhere else in the future? Yes. But at the present moment, there you are. You’re there. Nowhere else.
So what’s my point? Well, I guess it’s pretty simple, as far as I’m concerned, I would rather my legacy speak far more about who I WAS than what I DID. What kind of man I was. How much of myself I gave to others. The lives I impacted by simply being me. There will never be another one of me, or you, for that matter. History repeats itself and many people have done the same things over and over, but there is no chance of there ever being another person to live your exact life. That blows me away every time.
When I was talking with my friend, Tom, last week and catching up, we were talking about the different ways we were growing and what God was teaching us at that time. The biggest lesson God has been teaching me, by far, is to have grace for myself. If I have grace for myself then I can better forgive my own shortcomings, and admit them, better assess my abilities, instead of my wishful thinking about them, and therefore be better able to see those things in others and forgive them and have grace for them as well. In order to teach me this God has answered one of my deepest most persistent prayers of the last few years; that I would see and understand his grace for me and have his eyes to see me as He and others see me. He is certainly a merciful and loving to Father to allow me to see this. I can only have real grace for myself if I understand his grace for me in the first place. That changes the whole game. The goals all suddenly change and all the things I have striven after for so long become either less important, non-existent, or shift in purpose or meaning.
So, when Tom asked me what I thought God was preparing me for I had an answer I had never said before in my life. Somewhere I must have known it was true or it would never have been fruit of my lips. I responded by saying “Tom, he is preparing for Himself.” What grace! What mercy! What Love! A Father that loves me/us so much that He would make us fit for his kingdom just because He wants to and for no other reason! If he had no other purpose or work for me to “do” that would be far more than I could ever imagine. Truth like that requires nothing less than a total thought and paradigm shift. The truth is, God does not need me/us to accomplish anything at all, but then the baffling part is that He WANTS to use us. And then he uses the things he wants to use us for to further prepare us for himself and his kingdom. He has the love, patience, and mercy to draw us through tough lessons and allow us to struggle so we can come out the other side victorious, better, stronger, and with a deeper faith than when we started. Folks, the tough lessons, the ones that make you weep and bleed, are the ones that have the longest lasting impact on you and everyone you encounter. It takes serious love to allow someone, and especially to watch them and guide them, through pain and hurt because you know it will make them better. Fire burns, but it also purifies.
When I view myself, and my life, through that lens it then becomes clear that God is not anywhere as concerned with my comfort or my accomplishments as he is with the content of my character and who I am. If that also becomes my concern then I am far better suited to have grace for myself, and what I do, because the pressure is off. I don’t have to perform up to a certain standard all the time, especially when it’s my own unattainable standard that only creates a viscous cycle of high demand and self loathing due none of those standards being met in the way I want. Grace for myself also demands a humble assessment of my abilities, strengths, gifts, and so on. In effect, it lets me see me as the messed up sinner that I am and be ok with it. Why would I be ok with it? Because I know that while the change may be gradual more often than not, that the change is there. The Bible says that “He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” I need to be ok with the fact that I am who I am, and not just ok with it, but to love myself and have grace for myself in the way God does so that I can fully be the person He has made me to be, and is making me to be. And in order to become that person I sometimes have to admit that I am worse, at everything in every way, than I would like to be. That’s not always the case, but I need to be capable of admitting it when it demands I do. Sometimes that will mean having more confidence and faith in myself than I currently have because despite the fact that I am messed up, I am a sinner, and I fail, a lot, God also made me/us for greatness and with eternity and His kingdom in mind. I mean, look at the twelve disciples. They are example 1A of this, and yet they succeeded in proliferating the greatest religious movement the world has ever seen. In less than 300 years Christianity went from the most maligned and persecuted sect in the world to being the official ethos and religion of the Roman Empire. NBD. If God can do that through a bunch of fishermen and traitors, what CAN’T he do with us?
This is where the “doing by being” takes over. If God establishes us the way we are, makes us how we are, and loves us the way we are, not just for whom we will become, then he can use us right where we are and how we are and not be concerned with the “doing” on our part. God, quite frankly, does not need us or our help, yet he chooses to. Let’s just pause on that fact for a moment once again…
When I came here to Rwanda I knew what I wanted to do, how I wanted to do it, and what my goals were. I had it all planned out. Guess what? All of that changed or didn’t happen. Time frames didn’t match up. Methods didn’t work. All my plans came to nothing. But God was not done with me yet. In fact, He was only beginning. When I finally came to a point of complete surrender and admitting my short comings and that I had been working in my strength, not his, it was as if he said “Thank you, Ryan. NOW we can really do some work.” The weird thing now is that by simply being the man God has made me to be, and stopping trying so hard to do it all myself and letting God work instead, He is accomplishing more through me in less time than I was doing beating my head against a wall for three months. I am still working with the staff and boys at HFLM while also volunteering with Young Life, leading and directing worship at House Church, and getting involved in other ministries here and plugging into Bible studies. Me just being me and letting God shine through that person is so much better and more effective than any amount of “work” I could ever do or accomplish. What a mind job. It makes no human sense whatsoever. Also, I love that “whatsoever” is actually three words someone decided was OK to make into one. Kind of like “inasmuch”. English is glorious.
So, again, what’s my point here? My point is; let go. Let go of your fears of being you. Let go of your fears of not measuring up to the person you think you are and let go of your fears that you’re even greater and have more potential than the person you think you should be or could ever dream of. God has made each of us for greatness and for eternal impact but that impact is never going to be greater than when we allow him to work through us by being the very person we are right now. We need to “do” by means of being. What makes a fish a really good fish isn’t trying really hard or constantly thinking about how it can breathe better under water or swim, but simply the fact it already does all the things a fish should. As I am running and training for the Kigali half marathon in May I continue to dwell on what makes a good runner and I find more often than not is that, unless I’m in a race, a good distance runner simply does not stop. When I run it’s much easier for me to say “Just don’t stop” than it is to say “keep going”. I’m already doing all the things required of running. I mean, I’m RUNNING. So to simply “not stop” I inherently keep doing that. To say “keep going” means I have to think about all the things I’m already doing and then continue. That’s much more difficult. “Just don’t stop” is one complete thought and encompasses all the things I am already doing.
Where this then translates to my life and being me is that I am most likely doing all the things that I “do” to be me already. When I say I’m going to go and “do” something else it means I am probably working very hard at doing something outside of what I already do. It is outside my flow. And if it’s outside my flow, it’s probably not jazzing me up very much. This is not to say new things should not be tried or attempted, they absolutely should because those things may actually be the you that you haven’t been all along. Let go of your fear of being really good at something new and at least try it. Maybe even incorporate it into your repertoire, but do not sacrifice who you know you are to become this thing or person. If it doesn’t work out, that’s ok. It’s just as important to know and be ok with who you AREN’T.
Don’t worry about being you. Don’t worry about what others think of you. Don’t worry about what God thinks of you because his first thought is that He loves you. That I can promise with absolute certainty. Have grace for yourself because He does. I have always hated being me. I would much rather have been Brad Pitt from Ocean’s 11 with Josh Groban’s voice and Val Kilmer’s hair from Top Gun. I mean, come on, who wouldn’t? That body, that perfect tone voice, and that ultra awesome flat top blonde spiked wonder of a head of hair. But wanting to be someone else steals my ability of being me, being right where I am, and helps absolutely no one. Including myself. And wishing I wasn’t me takes away the chance for me to love me, know me, and have grace for me as my Father God does. When I accept me, and learn to love (and even like!) myself in that way, being alone isn’t as much of a problem anymore because I can stand being with that person. Loving and serving others gets easier too. Why? Because I am no longer focused on the things I am not and who I wish I was. I then become outwardly focused and am able to see others needs and love and have grace for them as God intended.
I “do” things all the time by just being me. I play guitar, I sing, I dance around like a fool, I tell bad jokes, I hug people, I have long drawn out conversations about Game Of Thrones, Lord of Rings, and Star Wars (…and Marvel movies…and video games…and, yes, I know, I’m a much bigger nerd than I would let on most of the time), and I travel all over the world having crazy adventures and telling people how much Jesus loves them and loved them enough to send me to just be me with them because He can use me just the way I am. What a crazy thing.
What I want to tell you in this long, rambling, monologue is this; If you don’t know this already, Jesus loves you. He loves you so much he gave everything of himself for you and me. Not because he had to. Not because it then gives him the right to be the big angry kid with a magnifying glass at an ant hill. It was because of JOY. Joy that we would be able to know and love him and take part in the joyfully intimate, gladly surrendering, mysteriously complex and simple, graciously self-accepting, mutually indwelling, passionate, and perfect relationship the Three-in-one God of heaven and earth enjoys with Himself. He did it so we could be new and whole. So we could know not just WHO we really are, but WHOSE we really are. When I am found in Jesus, my life, and the very fibers of my being, will change. And only ever for the better. When I am found in Jesus, I find the me that He was thinking of and praying for as he hung on the cross. When I am found in Jesus, I find the best me there could ever be because he made me and knows every part of me. But, most of all, when I am found in Jesus, I find Him. And when everything I am stands in the presence of the Living God, the rest just doesn’t really matter anymore.
Praise you Father for new mercies and grace for me/us each day. I pray I have more and more of that for myself so I can have more and more of it for others.
“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him” - John Piper
-Ryan
-Ryan
